I recently returned from a five day retreat. The timing was perfect, having spent the last several weeks of dealing with the loss of a significant relationship. The intention I set was to allow myself to fully open to grief. I suspected that this would open access to deeper healing that might also be needed.
The cumulative effect of the previous retreats, allowed me to enter with an open heart. Intense mediation in a mostly silent setting, encouraged my mind to settle, with some concentration exercises helping to focus my attention on the present experience. I was pleasantly surprised to find ease in letting go of bodily discomfort; a compassionate breath to any ache quickly dissolved any that arose.
Then came the diad, which asked me to list my positive qualities. Hello suffering. Doubt and self judgement is thy name. I watched myself filter what arose to ensure that the qualities were truly positive enough to mention. I watched myself hold silent, on those qualities that were judged unworthy of the exercise. I sat in silence, listening to the unintelligible murmer other pairs, wondering if I was the only one struggling. Mara told me I had not developed worthy positive qualities.
Later in the day, Metta practice brought me back to court with Mara, who did not speak kindly to me. This was an opportunity. Embracing heart ache and tears, I saw the nature of the self judgement. I had taken the torch from those original holders, and lead the march against myself. This effort was no longer needed. It was time to let go.
Time for my scheduled interview with the teacher... bearing checked and set.
The final day, I entered the morning sit with a sense of peace and equanimity. I waved away Mara easily. And then I was paper.
Before reading further, stop and get a piece of paper...
Really, I’ll wait... any piece of paper that that you choose is fine...
Look at the qualities of that paper. Is it thin or thick? Is it plain or lined? What color is it? Are the edges smooth, having been trimmed, or rough from the raw pressing of the paper?
Now write your name on the piece of paper.... use anything.
Did you use pencil, pen, marker, crayon, or something else? Did you write in cursive, block text, or draw the letters? The paper, if it wasn’t already, is now marked.
Now fold the paper in half...
Now fold the paper in half one more time...
Did you make the same fold, or did you change direction of the second fold? How deeply did you crease the fold?
Now unfold the paper, so it is again flat...
Notice the paper you have before you is not what you started with. The writing cannot be fully removed. Even with a pencil, the rubbing of an eraser will mar the paper at least slightly. The folds are still visible, and cannot be removed, though the paper can be made to silt flat, with some effort.
Once soon as we are born we are marked by life. Doctors, Parents, Family, and caretakers, As we grow, we are continually marked and folded. Sometimes willingly, and sometimes not willingly.
Now crumple up the paper and drop it on the floor...
Now step on it...
Really, crumple and step...
Did you hesitate?
Have you followed through with the steps so far?
We all are marked, but a surprising number, have been treated like the origami project that went wrong. This invariably leads to the paper being discarded. Depending on the artist, frustration might lead to spiteful handling of the paper, as anger is deflected from them self onto the object in hand.
Time to pick up the paper. Imaging pealing back each creased and crumpled section of paper, one at a time. This might seem like a somewhat futile effort, as it will surely take quite some time if that were the process required. When we handle people carelessly, the damage can take years to unravel. In some cases, the paper, the person, are destroyed before anyone attempts to pick up what’s left.
Now un-crumple the paper and smooth it out as well as you can. You could even go as far as moistening the paper and ironing it. This will help, though as we noted before, the paper will likely still have discernible marks and signs of folding.
Now, make a paper airplane...
If you don’t know how you can go to
http://www.amazingpaperairplanes.com/Basic_Dart.html or similar web site and find instructions for basic or complex designs.
Seriously, go ahead make your airplane and note any resistance you’ve had to any of the steps so far.
Did you follow the design above, or your own, or another design? What did you feel when you made the airplane? Silly? Joyful? Annoyed? Confused?
If you’ve followed all of the steps above, you now hold in your hand a piece of paper. It’s the same piece of paper you started with. It’s been marked and folded and abused. The marks and creases are possibly quite visible. But now, because of your effort, it can fly.
The Dharma tells us this much. There are markings of existence, and there is a path which you can follow, folding and unfolding.
Now consider how one piece of paper can be combined with another. The product is no longer limited by the borders we first were dealing with. MIT is one place to look for amazing paper art. Visit
http://origamit.scripts.mit.edu/ to see examples and learn about the OrigaMIT Convention. The whole is greater than than the parts.
Erik and Martin Demaine, Green Waterfall, 2011.
We are temporary expressions of the universe. Many events lead up to our birth. We live our lives, reacting and acting. We die, and our borrowed essence is returned to the universe. The universe expresses itself in new ways.
That final morning, sitting in silence, I restrained my laughter the best as I could as tears of joy ran down my face.
It is said that we suffer, until we no longer need to. May you express yourself fully, and share yourself fully, during this precious lifetime.
